Don’t forget to take your meds…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So, I’m few months on now from coming off Citalopram and having a fight with Mindcare and the NHS trust about the time scales for getting new, correct medication. I had a conversation with an NHS manager who, to be fair, admitted that the reason for the delays in getting appointments, not just for me but in general, was down to problems booking rooms – in short, admin trumps clinical care. I was gobsmacked but having worked in the public sector for 15 years I was not at all surprised!

Anyway, I had my consultation brought forward and I was guided toward Quetiapine (I had wanted Lithium but sensed there was an agenda at work?), as this is apparently quite new, on these shores at least, and is well thought of because its side effects are minimal – except for the weight gain!

I started taking it, it made me very drowsy but I slept well for the first time in ages. The drowsiness got less and easier to manage, but I felt myself starting to feel completely flat and emotionless…numb and listless. I wasn’t happy, it isn’t living…it’s barely existing!

In between coming off Citalopram in March and starting Quetiapine in July I had a spell of being med free. I was scared at first, some old insecurities and feelings of self loathing tried to creep back, but because of the counselling I’ve had I had the tools to deal with that and actually coped really well.

So there I was, initially happy to have my new meds sorted but as they settled in my system the less human I began to feel…so I made the decision to come off those too! The decision was based on the fact that I have the belief and confidence that I can manage my life med free with the knowledge, understanding and experience I have gained along the way and also on the example of a friend and fellow warrior, Gemma, who made the decision to go “med free” some time ago and is an inspiration in the way she copes with and drives her own situation and brings up her daughter.

Now I’m not saying that everyone should go this way, just that it’s working for me so far, but if I have to swallow my pride and go back to medication, I will, simple! So think long and hard before you take the plunge, mental illness is hard to cope with at the best of times and we’re all very different, there is no “One size fits all” solution – make the most of everything available and make the most informed decision you can!

To finish I’d like to show a letter that my friend Gemma wrote to the local paper, to highlight her story as a bipolar warrior and explain her reasons for going med free. The paper dissected it and only used a few quotes (with a photo of a suitable celebrity sufferer), but it is a very concise and to the point story of how she arrived where she is today – an inspiration!

“Don’t Call Me Crazy”

I am a 24-year-old single mum who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 21 months ago. Growing up I always knew something wasn’t right. I suffered greatly with depression and self harm throughout my teens. When my family found out, they booked me in for counselling and appointments with my GP. The doctor put it down to hormones and it wasn’t until I turned 16 that I was put on anti-depressants; the first of many horrific medications to come over the years. At 17 I took an overdose. I don’t remember thinking that I wanted to die, but I knew I didn’t want to live either. Thankfully I didn’t take enough to cause any lasting damage, and I couldn’t help but realise the irony of the situation; the tablets that were supposedly stopping me feeling suicidal, were the very same ones I used to take an attempt on my life. I went back to the doctor screaming out that there’s something else going on besides depression, only to be placed on yet another anti-depressant. I took seven different medications over the space of six years, all of which took my spark away. OK, so some of them did help with the depression, but they left me feeling numb, lethargic and dispirited. I had many ups and downs over the years as I sampled various medications, all the while managing to raise a perfectly healthy happy little girl on my own since the age of 19. It wasn’t until Christmas 2012 that I completely broke down. I have no idea what triggered it as everything was great at the time. I had just finished a Teaching Assistant qualification at college and was well on my way to completing my first year of a Foundation Degree in Disability Studies. It was then that my mum made the decision to pay for me to be privately referred to The Priory, and within twenty minutes of listening to me talk, the doctor straight away diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder Type 2. Now what I want to know is why did we have to pay one doctor over £200 to give me a diagnosis within minutes of meeting me that my own doctors hadn’t figured out despite knowing me my entire life? But at least I finally had an explanation that made sense. So now the medication would be different; a mood stabiliser to balance my ups and downs, and an added anti-depressant to boost me up. At first, these medications appeared to work better than any others I’ve tried, though it soon became apparent that I was about to be faced with my biggest side effect yet. I went from a tiny size 8 to a bulky size 12, literally within weeks, and put on over three stone. Despite my healthy eating and regular exercise, the weight just kept piling on. So of course, this lead to me feeling depressed. And that is why, for the first time since the age of 16, at 23, I made the decision to try and live my life med-free. So, against the doctor’s advice, I slowly weaned myself off them, and for the first time in my life, I experienced my first euphoric high. It’s impossible to explain the feeling; contrary to belief, it is so much more than simply feeling happy, as opposed to feeling sad. Over the years, there were many things that made me happy, the biggest one being raising my daughter. However, I had never felt happy within myself until now. My confidence soared as this new-found energy brought me inspirational ideas and determination to succeed in life. And that is when I realised, when it comes to Bipolar, and other mood disorders, the doctors’ priorities seem to lie in calming the mania by silencing our minds. Well I’m sorry but I can’t live like that. I need my highs to inspire me to conquer my dreams; they are the light when I am trapped in the tunnel of depression. I know saying goodbye to medication would have dire effects for some people living with this disorder; however, it was the right choice for me. I can’t stop the dark days entirely, and I don’t think I ever will. But for me, this isn’t something any amount of counselling or tablets can fix. Since being off medication has allowed me to think clearly for the first time, I am finally able to learn how to live with this disorder by recognising and avoiding my ‘triggers’. Though my life is far from perfect; I am finally happy, and able to accept myself just the way I am. Now all I need is for others to do the same, and that is why I’m sharing my story; in hopes that I will inspire my fellow bipolar warriors, to see that although there is no cure, it is possible to learn to live a perfectly normal happy life, and together we can eliminate the stigma once and for all. I’m not crazy, just a little different. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gemma is a talented aspiring writer, poet and photographer who I keep trying to nudge to get set up on WordPress in order to showcase her work; I think it’s about time…

don’t you?

The Captain tries to hide his contempt for corporate red tape in the Health Service…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So…

As I intimated in my earlier post, I went to Mindcare this morning to see what’s happening regarding my medication. A nice lady came out to speak to me and I explained the situation. She said that the guy who I’d seen the week before was off until Monday and that she would leave a message for him to get back to me and that he does clinics, also on Mondays, that he may be able to squeeze me on to to sort out my prescription.

This, apparently, was the best she could do for me at this time. I said it’s nearly 12 weeks since diagnosis, her reply, dismissively “well that’s not long!” I bit my lip as I thought about the other 14 months since referral at which she noticed my irritation as I said very pointedly  “I came off my previous medication at your advice and now I’m taking nothing and getting worse, I’m going backwards, I’m not well!”

Again I got “Sorry, but that’s all we can do…try your GP, it might be quicker?”

Me:  “I thought that’s why I had to come here, because my GP wasn’t supposed to prescribe these drugs?”

Her: “Well as long as the clinical information is on the system they can contact us and do the prescription”

Me: “Is the clinical info on the system?”

Her: “<shrugs> Should be!”

So I went to my GP and explained the situation to the receptionist who took a look at the “system” to find NO clinical information, without which, therefore, the GP can’t prescribe my meds. She gave them a call, the person I’d spoken to ten minutes previously had vanished but the person she spoke to agreed that there was no clinical info on the system, but an appointment had been booked for me on the 17th JULY – she must have forgotten to tell me that while I was at Mindcare. So the receptionist got them to leave a message with the pharmacist to call her about it on Monday with a view to getting this clinical info on the “system” so my GP can sort a prescription for me – so fingers crossed for Monday!!!

So thanks to Alison at Redlam Surgery but to the lovely folk at Mindcare; “Thank you for making Admin more important than my health, you’ve given me such a warm glow inside! It’s a prescription that YOU have agreed on for crying out loud!!!”  I hope I can get a prescription sorted by my GP because I will go postal on the consultant’s ass – mental health doesn’t work around your calendar and I’m getting a bit volcanoish where he’s concerned!

I know people who’ve waited far longer for diagnoses and correct medication and care and they have my total respect and support, I’m just fighting my own little corner – but something needs to be done about it – depression can be as deadly as any other illness out there!

 

The Captain’s Chaosity (real word, honest) levels are rising…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So, it’s 4:50 am and I can’t sleep!

Right now I’m swinging from one extreme to another and I don’t like it much. I’m unmedicated for the first time since my GP diagnosed me with depression nearly three years ago. Although Citalopram is wrong for Bipolar Disorder I can now see the vast effect it had on me. It took away anxiety, fear of failing…fear of any kind really, it gave me confidence and a huge sense of empathy (that’s still me but it’s buried underneath the nonsense that goes with depression and mania) – it generally gave me incredible belief in myself that I could overcome everything in time!

At the moment I feel as if everything is crashing around me and I’m lurching from one disaster to the next…

…It’s irrational of course; nothing has changed in the world but without that helping chemical hand my wonky brain’s perception of the world is quite warped, and it’s not nice.

A couple of weeks ago I had an appointment to see a doctor at Mindcare, Daisyfield Mill, to talk over my options for Bipolar Medication and for him to give me a prescription for my drug of choice, that was on the 15th May. Now, I hold my hand up to this – I got the time wrong, I turned up at 11:30 when it should have been 11:30 – I’m a stickler for punctuality, don’t know how I managed it but I did – even got the letter out the night before with the correct time on and it still didn’t register.

The upshot was, after a little wait they got another practitioner to come and speak to me who asked me the questions she “believed” the doctor would ask me, this took about an hour. She then said that as the consultant’s next open appointment was in July she would arrange for me to see their pharmacist as he was able to prescribe and should be able to sort me out with a prescription. She rang me the day after with an appointment to see the pharmacist the following Tuesday, I turned up at the correct time, had another lengthy conversation, made my choice of drug but left empty handed because he said he couldn’t prescribe without talking to the consultant – but he assured me that he’d try to get me in to see the consultant and would get “someone” to ring me to let me know – that was a week ago! I’m angry because I’m struggling and becoming genuinely unwell when all I need is a prescription while they are messing about with administration (do I really have to wait till July to get one). Call me cynical but maybe the consultant’s private clinic duties are more important…

I was given my diagnosis on the 13th March, eleven weeks ago, and I still haven’t got a prescription for correct medication – the sad fact is mental illness isn’t taken seriously unless, as they always tell you, “you’re feeling suicidal then we’ll get you in urgently” – the trouble with that is; if you’re genuinely suicidal your instinct isn’t to ring them, it’s to end it all! I’m lucky, I’ve never dropped to that point so far but the thought that “It’s all too hard, I’m exhausted and I’ve had enough” is always in the back of my mind and fighting it is genuinely exhausting and functioning properly is getting harder and harder.

Time to pay them a visit this morning methinks and kick some NHS booty…

Cheers folks; take care and be kind, you might change someone’s life!

Captain Chaos takes heavy fire in the first skirmish but comes through with only bruised pride…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So it’s been just over a week since I started to come down from the antidepressants. To recap; I’m recently diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder having been treated for depression for 3 years with Citalopram (an SSRI) which is contraindicated for Bipolar because SSRI’s exacerbate the manic side of Bipolar – it’s been a blast!

The antidepressants have generally had a good effect on me; increased confidence, less anxiety and irritability – some negative side effects which, well, don’t need to aired here (if you’ve taken the stuff you’ll know). However, there’s always been two things that didn’t seem quite right, the mood swings still happened and I’ve been completely devoid of emotion – total indifference to any given situation, and that’s NOT me!

Marillion Artwork
Hidden Jester

Imagine my surprise when, after a couple of nights sleep (I use the term lightly), which were more akin to the youthful experiments with LSD many moons ago, the waterworks started – at anything and everything “Oh that car’s a lovely blue….waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” (Do men get hormonal??) Seriously? Get a grip man! The old insecurities started to creep in; “You’re irritating everyone“, “you’re in the way“, “you’re a pain in the arse“, “YOU’RE NOT WORTHY OF THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE!” The old me – not the new, improved (not to mention mildly arrogant, smug, overconfident and totally lovable – stop it!!!) me that I’ve dug out from the depths of my soul (Yeah man!!) thanks to counselling, reading, listening and yes, Citalopram!

I had got myself into a rut by last evening and the trouble is that the version of you that THINKS you’re being a pain in the arse, that drives you to apologise for being a pain in the arse, IS a pain in the arse and HE does more damage than anything!

Thankfully I have some very unique people in my life who basically don’t let me get away with being an arse with such motivational phrases as “Shut up you Muppet!” and “Stop it Kev, you’re being a dick!” – no sarcasm intended, they make me take a step back, think, laugh at myself and snap out of it – priceless!

So between an old friend, Sandra, who’s come through her own ‘troubles’ (for want of a more appropriate word) with incredible strength and dignity and a new friend, Gemma, a fellow sufferer who’s been through hell and doesn’t give herself nearly enough credit for how inspirational her story is and how she’s dealt with everything that’s been thrown at her – they did just that, made me punch demon #1 (Disconsolate Boy) in the throat and knock him off my shoulder! Of course I had another great friend’s voice, Janine (who knows all about living with mental illness), in my mind at the time too, going as I mentioned earlier, “…you’re being a dick…!“

So today, I’ve slept, at least for a few hours, feel a little more refreshed with an increased resolve and back to, to a major degree, the proper me. The chemicals are still playing games but I guess they will do until they’re out of my system and I can start the next ones! Woohoo! 😉

Everyone is fighting their own personal battle so be kind. It takes no effort to smile at a passer by – admittedly they may think you’re a loony but so what, chances are you’ll make someone’s day!

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

Much love, take care folks!

Captain Chaos goes to war…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

Today marks the beginning of the next chapter of my life.

I finally received the definitive diagnosis of Type 2 Bipolar Disorder a couple of weeks ago and can now, finally, focus on that! The problem has been, though, that although I now have the diagnosis I’m still not actually being treated for anything until the meds and therapy start! I’ve coped so far under my own guidance for the most part, I did learn a lot from counselling a couple of years ago, but this is very different – I’m very proud of that because I know the place I was at 12 months ago before the “eureka” moment, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!

I’ve been lucky enough to have had a few days away with fantastic people and had a change of scenery and a good old laugh, better than any medication, but, as is the case with most things in my life the nagging depression “demon” is there at every second making you question every word you say. It goes;

“ooooh, shouldn’t have said that, they won’t take it right – better apologise!”
So you apologise and the person goes,
“Don’t be daft, you haven’t said anything wrong!”
You apologise for apologising,
“Stop it you Muppet, it’s ok, no problem!”
You apologise for being a Muppet,
“Oh for God’s sake, it’s ok, stop it…!”
And on and on……

By this time you hate yourself because that “demon” now has you thinking you’re the biggest irritant on the planet and that these fantastic people who show you so much love and support are just tolerating you – absurd nonsense and totally irrational of course – but that’s how powerful those “demons” are; it’s totally exhausting having a constant mental argument with yourself just to try to keep it together. I now understand why people choose to give in and end it all, because it can get incredibly painful – the fact that there’s no stick, plaster cast, visible scarring or any outward signs doesn’t mean there’s no pain! I’ve been at that crossroads, it’s a horrible place!

If there’s one thing I would want people to try to understand about depression (from my point of view of course) is that it isn’t about a person just feeling sorry for themselves and wanting attention, those people do exist of course, we all know them; it’s that it’s a constant debilitating battle with yourself to feel that you’re not worthless or that you’re not “in the way” or making up the numbers – depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance – NOT a character flaw!

Now, the other “demon”, the manic one! He’s a party animal! He’s the life and soul. He’s the one whose attitude to any situation is “Come on, let’s have it…” like a bull on steroids, fueled by pure adrenaline in a priceless china shop. This one will leave you penniless, homeless and friendless unless you get him by the throat and physically put him down – he’s dangerous. He’s trouble; he instigates the things you feel you need to (and more likely HAVE to) apologise for when he’s buggered off and usually too late. When he’s around you don’t sleep, your mind never stops racing with ridiculously grand ideas and schemes, you constantly replay scenarios and play out all the “what if I’d said/done this” scenes. You’re constantly wired and function (barely) with very little sleep – again it’s utterly exhausting.
It might sound sensationalist but I promise you it is a hell of a roller-coaster and it can easily destroy people and lives.

So, for now I’ll start to come off the antidepressants because apparently antidepressants and Bipolar don’t mix – they lift you from the depression but then can send you up into the mania, which is what the psychiatrist believes was what triggered it in me. It runs in families of course, my dad was Manic Depressive, and often requires trauma to trigger the effects fully (for me, a diagnosis of depression after Nina’s death etc. followed by antidepressants). As I look back on my life I constantly see things and think “Yeah, makes sense now!” about situations that have occurred over the years. I was lucky to have had an incredibly strong woman in my life for 20 years, if she were still here I probably wouldn’t know about any of this, without her I’d probably have had meltdown a lot sooner – we’ll never know – but this is now!

I have no idea what’s in store for me in the future, no one does I guess, and I’m kind of scared to make any real plans because recent history sort of dictates that something will go wrong if I enjoy myself too much – that’s how much karma appears to hate me. If I struggle to cope with myself so much how could I ask anyone else to do it, so that’s relationships ruled out effectively too (This is Demon #1 at work by the way – see what I mean?) – but I’ll carry on plugging away and I’ll beat Disconsolate Boy & Flipped Out Man (Demons #1 & #2) into submission one day!

Now…the soppy demon (just me really, the other two just egg him on at the wrong time…) would like to say that a few folk have been there for me at every step, and continue to be, and they have no idea how much I love them for that and they should know I would be at their sides in a heartbeat should they need me too! The general love and support I’ve had just blows me away too, thank you from the bottom of my heart – if anyone reads this and recognises anything in themselves, feel free to talk to me, if I can help, I will – or talk to a professional, there is no shame in mental illness and if anyone gives you stick about it, punch them in the throat and say “Sorry, just went manic there for a second…” Only joking, sarcasm is a better way to deal with cretins!

Onwards & Upwards, it’s been a long road but, dare I say it, I think I may just be able to see where it levels out and gets a bit easier – I hope so!

A votre santé, Sláinte, Zum Wohl, Kampai, Apki Lambi Umar Ke Liye, Salud, Djam
To your health – Cheers!!!

Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg…

On By Kev BrownIn LifeLeave a comment

So here we are again, Christmas!

At the moment, I’m not a great fan of it, not because I don’t like it, I do, it’s just a bad time of the year memories wise and that’s all! It’ll take time to be comfortable with it again because Christmas to mid January went from happy and looking forward to the worst day of my life – that’s all, it’ll pass in time and besides, I’m ok, I have plenty to smile about!!

I see the excitement building building in faces young and old alike and can’t help but smile! If I have a criticism it’s the shameless commercial spin that the media puts on it, more aggressively each year, it seems to me!

Folk want to do their best for their kids, naturally, and kids want the latest and greatest things, again naturally – they see what their friends get, the media targets them with no conscience whatsoever and in these times of austerity the corporations happily take the food out of your mouth and the shirt off your back in return for your hard earned cash – they couldn’t care less that you can’t afford it, in fact it suits them that you can’t afford it because then they can flog you a credit account in order to fleece you for interest without ever paying much off the actual balance.

Being the youngest of four by ten years I admittedly got more for Christmas than my siblings; Scalextric, Subbutteo (World Cup ’74 Edition – with floodlights) an original Space Hopper (which some say I still resemble??) and my all time favourite – my purple Chopper (the bike, not a medical condition!) I think it was fair, it kind of offset the fact that I spent much of the time up to about eight years old not only ginger, but with a lazy eye, a patch on the good eye and the old NHS specs – I walked into a LOT of lamp posts!! If you think you’ve had fun made of you, I’ve got you beat hands down, I’ve heard everything – and this is why I’m the well adjusted, level headed “adult” I am today – I say adult loosely of course!

So yeah, I deserved it!

I’m not religious at all so the story of the “Baby Jesus” is lost on me but it’s a holiday so I’ll take it. I’ll spend it how I see fit, I will be sad so I’m loathe to spend it pretending to be otherwise. That’s not a slight on anyone else, it’s just how I feel – heart on my sleeve, no bottling of emotions!

…And to be perfectly honest I’ll probably take a look at the TV schedule for Xmas day and gatecrash whoever I think has the most booze in – a bit like Santa except I can’t wear red on account of the ginger barnet, they clash (and I won’t drop down the chimney)!

Anyway, enjoy the hell out of the break, however you see fit, wherever you are in the world, I know I will!

Image

Cheers everybody!!

Where does time go………?

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, Life3 Comments

I haven’t written to this blog since January 2012, following the events of 2010, I dubbed it “The year to be forgotten, that never will be” or words to that effect. Anyway, a whole lot has happened in the time since.

I don’t claim to be unique for anything that has happened, far from it. Rather, just another drop in the ocean but, thanks to various people, I have a deeper understanding of what it means to “find yourself” – some call it Spirituality, some say “Bloody hippy nonsense” – the trick is to separate spirituality from religion and you can begin to get the gist.

Whether you’re an atheist or a person of faith the fact is that our bodies run on energy, electrical impulses controlled by the kind of computing power Intel can only dream about – The Brain! Sometimes it goes wrong………

Ok, so people die, it comes to us all, our nearest and dearest pass away, tragedies happen, usually it seems to the least deserving of people, “God only takes the best” was stated to me several times – my answer being “well that makes him selfish and cruel – surely??” – but this isn’t an argument about religion. Losing someone isn’t restricted to death either, seemingly well balanced folk can all of a sudden display totally warped values, a lack of morals maybe or even just total indifference to the feelings to someone who they have claimed to love for a long time! It all takes its toll.

The trauma of losing someone very close is incredibly difficult to take and deal with and depending on circumstances can be nigh on impossible – the feeling of holding the most important person you’ve ever had in your life as they take their final breath is as close, I imagine from experience, to having your heart physically torn from your chest! Being betrayed by the one special person who swore they’d never hurt you, although a different circumstance can’t be easier to deal with – that person is still alive and can still affect your life, with a bereavement there is just loss. So never put levels of difficulty on it, it doesn’t work that way, we are all different, we are all human (even if some of them don’t exactly behave that way)!

From a personal point of view, and after the last few years of having more dropped on me than my brain could handle I find myself learning about mental health issues. After breaking down in 2011 and being diagnosed with depression I began medication and counselling – old news! What the professionals think now is that the medication triggered a massive Manic episode – rather than just leveling out the depression it sent me on a mental rampage for a while which turned out to be very destructive – more old news! The manic phase is what distinguishes Bipolar Disorder from Depression – nobody goes to the doctor when they feel great and want to take on the world, so it gets diagnosed late in a lot of cases!

The word Bipolar popped into my head one night whilst I was sat on the sofa, at my wits end, no interest in carrying on, looking at suicide web sites looking for the cleanest and easiest way to go out. That might sound very matter of fact, but I look back and, well, that’s how it was – perfectly rational in my head, obviously there’s nothing rational about suicide, or indeed depression. A friend of mine committed suicide ten years ago and I’ve been angry at him ever since for taking the so-called “cowards way out” – now…I understand perfectly how he got to the point of no return, and it scares me witless!

I started to research Bipolar and it made so much sense, not just to recent events, but I could apply it to many areas of my life so far. I spoke to my GP and explained what had been going on, explained that I had found that my Dad suffered and his sister suffers manic depression (now known as bipolar disorder) and she said that it does run in families and can lay dormant until some trauma or other triggers it – Bingo!

A year of counselling made me more philosophical, I guess, and more pragmatic. It taught me that sometimes there is no answer and to accept that fact! The exercise of looking at yourself in the eye in the mirror and saying “I love you”, without falling to bits in embarrassment, but actually meaning it is incredibly powerful – as daft as it sounds – And that brings me back to spirituality, the moment you can face yourself and tell yourself that you love YOURSELF – well, that’s when you’ve found yourself – all the doubts go, all the what if I’d done xyz’s disappear, it’s incredibly empowering! The other thing was learning to let go of things that make you angry, that you can’t change – while you’re angry about them, they have a power over you, let go of that anger and that power disappears – that doesn’t mean the same as forgiveness – no, no, no – you can stop being angry about things but you don’t have to forgive – just don’t let it become a grudge, but if you’ve let go of the anger then there’s no reason why it should!

Thus endeth today’s lesson…No, hahaha, I’m no expert, I’m learning daily and coming to terms with what my brain is playing at. I constantly have to make little lifestyle changes and recognise when the mood swings are coming because they will always be with me. The obvious thing to my mind is to relate my experiences and hope that in some small way I can help anyone who might recognise some traits in themselves and hopefully inspire them to either get help or maybe do the same as me try to raise awareness and get rid of the stigma of mental illness.

So here we are, Christmas again, a terribly stressful time of the year – please remember that it’s supposed to be a time of good will to ALL; so spare a thought for anyone who may be suffering – the words “I’m fine” rarely mean exactly that and you really could save someone’s life with a kind word, an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on – take it from me!

I don’t feel sorry for myself or want sympathy – been there and done that, it turns you into a sniveling little worm. I’ve accepted my lot and just intend to get on with it, learning as I go (apologising when necessary hahaha) but most importantly, just being me because that’s all I can be!!

Cheers!!!

I’ll leave you with a true story;

One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, “Can I ask you a question dad?”

“Sure, son what is it?”

“Am I a real polar bear, Dad?” asks Junior.

Dad smiles and says, “Of course you are, son. Now go and play.”

So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he’s back.

“Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?”

Dad smiles again and says, “Look son you’ve got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose…of course you’re a polar bear….now go back and play.”

Once again Junior runs off…slides down the ice….chases a couple of seagulls…after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face…..

“Daaaad….are you absolutely sure I’m a polar bear?”

“Look son…I’m a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears…why are you asking all these questions?”

Junior looks up and says….”Cause I’m f**kin’ freezing! “

Thank you and good night…

On By Kev BrownIn LifeLeave a comment

After nearly 18 months of “Muttering” I’m going in a different direction.  It’s been fun and very therapeutic as I’ve worked through all that’s happened but I find that what I’m starting to talk about is no longer a commentary on my “recovery” (for want of a better word) but more of a commentary of how I see the world and people around me, their actions and interactions with each other and my naivety, for which I’ve paid a price but learned a valuable lesson!

So I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who’s taken the time to read my mutterings – I honestly never thought anyone would – but there you go, people always surprise me and the kind comments and messages of support have blown me away and are more appreciated than I can say in words alone!

So here goes, new starts and beginnings for me, for which I’m really excited and I hope I can make my new blogs something like interesting!

I raise a glass to all the people I’m lucky enough to call “Friend”!

You’re the best people in the world!

Living in the spotlight…………….

On By Kev BrownIn LifeLeave a comment

As this year draws to a close it’s doing its best to stick the boot in before it goes – no, not me again, before you say it!

We said goodbye to Billy Billington last week, too young at 54, but a top guy who will be sorely missed!  My heart goes out to Vikki and her family, to lose a close family member is tough at any time, but on Christmas morning……..say no more!  A close mate got a good kicking in a pub (the details are still a bit hazy but now we know he butts and bites!!). I know plenty of people who’ve been and are about to go through anniversaries of recent tragedies, all tough to deal with at the best of times …………again, say no more!  They say there are only two certain things in life – death and taxes – I work in one field and one of my best friends deals with the other – small world!

Anyway, under the circumstances I’ve done OK. It’s been a strange journey, one that lots of people have taken, so I’ve had no end of experience to call on to help me deal with my own circumstances – that’s what friends are for!  They are there for you unconditionally – and that is the key word!  They’ll give you an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on but will equally tell you when you’re, to put it bluntly, being an arse!  What they don’t do is constantly make you feel like you owe them a debt of gratitude!  You might feel that way towards them for their past kindness, that’s fine, but they won’t deliberately make you feel that way! 

I’ve learned a lot this last few months, mainly due to counselling it has to be said, about myself and how I perceive other people and in some cases it has really shocked me! I’m no different to anyone else in most areas.  I’m lucky enough to have a job, I enjoy a pint (or three), love spending time with friends old and new down the local and quiet time with that special someone! When I go out, I fully intend to have a laugh and enjoy myself, to have the craic to coin a phrase – just like everyone else!  I’m getting on with my life the best way I can after a horrible few years! Apparently, by that token, it means that I think being in the spotlight is the be all and end all of existence!  The irony of that statement and the person it came from is blinding!  I was in so many peoples shadows when I was a kid because I was quiet, shy, awkward, useless with women, ginger, lazy eye (not a vast amount in my favour and I hated myself!) and was always the one that got told “but you’re like a big brother to me Kev…….it would be weird” by the girls (although that’s not all bad because I still have close friends because of that too) but some people took advantage of that and pulled stunts on me more than once and made me look ridiculous – but hey, we were kids, and chances are I’d have done the same so no real harm, no foul, it’s history!  I lost my dad when I was 23 and that started to change me, “Nothing can hurt like this, so why have I put up with all this rubbish……..?” I thought! Unfortunately I’ve found out the hard way that things can and do hurt more, as we all know I’m sure!

So, anyone who I see on a regular basis now who didn’t know me then will probably read how I described my younger self and think “Sod off!” – well except for the ginger and useless with women bits!! But, I have changed – I like myself – and that’s a really liberating feeling for someone like me and if I do appear to be in the spotlight it’ll be for the right reasons (unless I’ve been drinking that yellow stuff again – cheers Karen!) and so what, maybe this is MY 15 minutes of fame, I have nothing to apologise for!

We all make mistakes, it’s natural!  Some can cause trouble, some are an inconvenience, some are just downright insignificant – but mistakes nonetheless, and can be forgiven in most cases, in time in other cases!  But we don’t all make calculated attempts to undermine peoples relationships – phrases like “I was just looking out for you!” or “I didn’t mean to be like that, I was drunk!” just don’t wash! Being obnoxious for the sake of it and giving yourself licence by saying “don’t be offended by it, it’s just how I am!” doesn’t wash either, there’s no need, again it’s calculated, don’t pretend it isn’t!

I’ve worked hard to get myself sorted and back in the right direction and NO ONE is going to undermine that with petty mind games and downright childish nastiness – NO ONE! I know who my friends are and I love them all for all I’m worth!!

So, I wish everyone a very happy and prosperous New Year and that it brings you everything you wish for!  Eat, drink, be merry yadda yadda – I know I will……………….now where’s that bloody spotlight?

Manners and Morals………………………..

On By Kev BrownIn LifeLeave a comment

What makes us tick……………………………?

It’s a very interesting question! I’ve had something of an epiphany lately and have watched lots of people “in action”. By that I mean I have started to take notice of how people behave in their daily dealings with other people purely because they’ve started to stand out like sore thumbs!

I don’t consider myself “better” than anyone else but I don’t consider anyone else “better” than me either! I do, however, consider myself polite, well-mannered and respectful and I expect the same in return! Is that too much to ask? I don’t thinks so – my dad always said to me “manners cost nothing lad!” and he was right! I’m certain I’m not alone in being told that by parents and grandparents who came through very tough times – it’s a generation thing apparently – rubbish, what has happened to values.

Lately I’ve heard that calling the barmaid “Oi wench!” is ‘banter’ and stems from the forces? I’ve personally never heard anyone either serving or otherwise connected to the forces do that, maybe it’s just me? The gentleman in question, I couldn’t claim to be his biggest fan, seemingly the nicest thing anyone says about him is “He’s ok when he’s sober?” – That’s a matter of opinion! Every day the same apology, take a long, hard look at yourself fella!

Then there’s the ones that say “Don’t be offended by anything I say, it’s just the way I am, I don’t mean it!” They seem to believe that that sentence gives them license to be as offensive as they like and it’s your own fault if you don’t like it because they warned you that “that’s the way they are!”

Maybe I’m being over critical, after all, people are allowed to be who they like! Everyone is entitled to an opinion, you don’t have to agree, just respect the right to an opinion – it’s not rocket science!

But I refuse to take abuse from someone just because they’ve decided that it’s ok and I shouldn’t get upset about it because, after all, “it’s just the way they are!” Well, no! The first person I take the mick out of is myself and I will have a laugh, banter…..whatever you want to call it, with anyone and BE the butt of the joke, no problem, but I draw the line when that becomes scathing and personal! If you think that is ok because “that’s just the way you are” then I don’t want to know you – simple! I won’t be the target for your abuse just so you can massage your ego and feel superior because you’ve put me down! You ain’t superior buddy!

What is amazing is how low these peoples threshold is when you fire back at them, they suddenly become very sensitive – poor lambs!

99.99% of the people I come into contact with on a daily basis, friends, family and colleagues are fantastic, wonderful, warm, loving people and I love all the time I spend with them, they make the world a better place! But some people make me mad………………. well not mad…………… irritated…………well not irritated just…………….I don’t know how to describe it? I’m not going to get mad about it because that’s just too much hassle; I have better things to think about! This little rant may sound like I’m mad, but I’m not, it’s just that it’s half two and I can’t sleep and recent conversations popped into my head so I thought “lets write!” – top idea; I’ll probably sleep through my alarm now!

At the end of the day, I know who’s having the last laugh, it’s taken a long time, but Christ, am I enjoying it!

Have the crack, indulge in friendly banter, tell a joke and laugh till that little bit of wee escapes because it lifts the heart and the spirit and let’s face it there’s enough in this world to get all bent up about – and leave the nasty, scathing, offensive dollopers sat in the corner being “just the way they are” with their non-existent feelings of self-worth!

I’ve always held the opinion that money and possessions don’t impress me at all. People impress me! The way a person behaves toward another, towards me – how they conduct themselves! The dirtiest, smelliest tramp can be the most engaging, polite, humble person around and by the same token the wealthiest in society can be, and often are, the most obnoxious – money and station mean nothing when it comes to being a worthwhile person!

So what makes us tick? Answers on a post card to Oh god he’s ranting, PO Box Shut Up, Anywhere.

I really should try and sleep now……………………………………………………